Fishly Pressed, a WordPress satire

17 Dec

I have just received an email from WordPress, or maybe it was from someone else, informing me that my blog has become Fishly Pressed. This is so exciting for me, a great honor, and I want to thank my many readers  for their attention to my work.  In fact, yesterday I had a near-record number of views. Today is going a bit slow. When I say a bit slow I mean I have no views,  but it is early. Not so early in the Eastern US, or in Great Britain, but still, it is the weekend and maybe people are sleeping in later than usual.

Clicking on this image to actually see Viewer totals would just be nosiness.

But accolades mean nothing if they are wasted by gloating, and I feel it is my duty to help others who desire to be Fishly Pressed.

Please allow me to share some advice:

Dedication is the most important trait of the Fishly Pressed blogger. Yes,  dedication to the art of the blog. Thinking about it night and day. I began my blog on November 26 of, let’s see, ummm,  this year,  2011, and I have been blogging like a maniac. I have 25 posts so far and may reach 30 by the year 2012. You can see that this takes a huge commitment, one not to be taken lightly.  Be prepared to suffer for your blog.

Spell correctly. It’s Angel Fish, not an Angle Fish, although there is an Angler Fish which lives on the bottom of the ocean, and don’t forget the Pencil Fish Nannostomus unifasciatus, which swims at a 45 degree angle. If you can’t explain things like that very clearly, like I can, then you must make sure to use…

Good photographs. People really don’t want to read all that much. Blah blah blah blah when all you have to do is take a picture and upload it. Here I will give you some examples of using photos on a fishy blog.

1. Take photos of your fish that are alive, not the occasional dead ones. If you come home from work someday and ALL of your fish are dead do not take a photo of  it or ever speak of it on your blog. Just run right out and buy more fish. Who wants to read your blog if you can’t keep fish alive? You would have to rename your blog A Fish Killers Blog, then who would read it except for a few sickos out there.

An EX-tetra, as John Cleese might say.

2. Don’t steal other people’s beautiful pictures for your blog. Use your own pictures, even if they are lousy. Then crop them and photo-shop them, or whatever. Fish and fish tanks are absolute murder to get good photos of.  I just call my son’s girlfriend and she comes over and takes the pics. Mine are usually terrible, so when I must post my own photos I try to use them in an educational manner, for example:

Fish are too damn fast.

See how interesting that is?

Another tip is to

Add tags.

I always put appropriate tags in all of my posts. I use words like Aquarium, Tropical Fish, and Fishly Pressed.

Some people, who are cheaters in life, use tags like Justin Bieber and Howard Cosell, but I won’t stoop to that.

Justin Bieber's Dad

Catchy headlines.

I’ll give you an example of a catchy headline. I am writing a post about a nasty little fish I have that is called the Chinese Algae-Eater. They are not a very nice fish. They chase other fish and try to suck on their scales. I could call that post “The Chinese Algae-Eater”, but that would be boring. Since they are a sucker-mouthed fish and they do kind-0f suck to have in your aquarium I am calling the post “The Chinese Algae-eater Sucks”. See how clever that is? That only took me a few hours to think up.

You may not come up with anything as attention-getting as mine, but keep trying.

Tell Your Friends.

Slip your  Blog into regular conversation.  Say, “Gee, Dave, that new pickup looks sharp, almost as sharp as my blog about fish!” Actually, I haven’t tried that yet but I am sure it will work.

Thank you for reading my blog, and please share your tips on how to get FP’d, which is what I like to call it now.

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2 Responses to “Fishly Pressed, a WordPress satire”

  1. carlaat December 19, 2011 at 1:07 pm #

    This made me smile! Congrats on being “Fishly Pressed!” 🙂

    • fishtanx2011 December 19, 2011 at 3:35 pm #

      Thank you, I am glad you appreciated such a strange post in the midst of all my other posts. Once I started I couldn’t stop!

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